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Talk:Amara/@comment-26054278-20160428012947
For a poem, I'll admit that I didn't enjoy this as much as the other people who have commented. Maybe I don't understand poems at all or have an entirely different expectation of what a poem should be, but I found a lot of flaws with this. The story being conveyed here is fine. The poem approach made it come across as more unique, which is a great positive to the pasta. However, I only say "fine" because the poem is massively predictable and not too original. I've heard this sort of story before, and just reading the first couple stanzas made it clear that Amara would eventually die (and, once the boyfriend was brought in, that he would die). Since we know that these two characters are doomed to die, that makes the ending of this pasta a bit of a letdown. The only real other twist at the end is that the character realizes how far his obsession has taken him... except we already knew that from the first stanza. It just lacked impact. Of course, in a poem, the word choice and portrayal of this all is what matters. In some cases, there are amazing moments. In other instances, the poem was strangely put together and the flow was off. Here is a small example: "I soon tell Amara about her ‘lover’s’ execution, And this is a solution. We can now be together Forever." Yes, it rhymes, but it seems to lack true meter. The first line has 15 syllables while the second line has 7, and it makes this section rather awkward to say. The most blatant example for me comes in the second to last stanza: "I look down the barrel of the firearm, And think of all the harm It has caused And all that I have lost." The rhythm and sense of any sort of meter seems to have been lost here. The syllables don't match up, which is fine, but it still comes across as a completely unnatural and stiff set of lines to say. Since these are among the final lines in the poem, it comes across very poorly. I'd recommend just practicing on making the sure the flow is perfect next time and easy to speak with an accurate rhythm. There are additional words and lines that I feel should be altered (for another example, I'd say that the use of the word "eventually" in the second line of the 4th stanza doesn't match up with the established rhythm of the first line), and making various changes to just see what flows best would improve this poem substantially. However, despite what I've spoken of, there are examples where it works incredibly nicely: "‘Why?’ I inquire. ‘There’s someone else,’ she says, much to my ire." "I wished to know more about this one, This person who caused my love to shun Me. And that is how I come to be, Here on this tree." This is a small sample of the great lines shared in this poem. The way these quotes flow comes across naturally, and I easily found the rhythm in the lines, causing them to be some of the most effective in the whole piece. It shows that when the poem truly works out, it really sounds beautiful. It is just a shame that it was all based on a mediocre, predictable plot, and that the points where the flow was broken disrupted the pacing of the Creepypasta by a large amount. Seeing as the other comments are highly positive, I may be fully wrong about how to judge a poem, as it is not my standard reviewing material, so feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt. However, in my opinion, this could have been much stronger. *Addition: As I know understand more about poems and general organic poems, I can definitely appreciate this poem more. I stand by a good chunk of my critique, but some of my more intimate criticisms of the flow and rhythm can be attributed to this not necessarily being a regular, traditional poem. I'll boost the rating to 5/10. Click here for more critiques.